Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Patti, Chapter 2

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Patti, Chapter 2

       “And then,” Uncle Ernest continued, giggling the ice cubes in his glass, "after a slave led the horses away, I got a chance to talk to King Tootie: 'What's all this hullabaloo taking place across the way? My name's Ernie, by the way, and I'm at your service.' 'Well, Ernie,' Tootie explained, 'about a year ago I decided to build two unique structures. The plan calls for them to be immense, four-sided, pointed towers. They're to be the world's largest tombs—tributes to my daughter and me. They're going to be massive squares at the base, whose slanted sides rise extremely high to a small peak. But I'll level with you, Ernie; It's not going very well. As you can see, the foundations are not even formed yet. Everything's been going wrong.'

       " 'Yeah,' I told him, 'when I look at your blundering methods I can see why. Look, Tootie, I'll tell you what. Put me in charge and I'll finish the whole job in a year.' Well, don't you know, Moose, that's just what he did. And here's what I did first. I got the best craftsmen together and explained the concept of the wheel. My, those buggers were excited. Calling the new invention 'Ernie's Circle,'  they constructed carts and wagons for the project. I also got them to make a large chariot for King Tootie and Princess Klayopatti, and I christened it the 'Patti Wagon,' just for the fun of it.

       "The next thing I did was to go to the mountains and mine the ingredients for making dynamite and gun powder. I knew the process, by the way, from conversations I had with my close Wilmington friends, the duPonts. The workers were then able to blast out the rocks to build the pointed towers. 'Ernie's Thunder' they called the dynamite, Moose; do you believe that?

       “Next I showed the workers how to make and use a block and tackle and a chain hoist. They used them with special cranes to move and elevate the building blocks. And the last thing I did was to assemble an efficient team of leaders to coordinate everything. After illustrating assembly line techniques—learned from an old drinking buddy from Michigan—I stepped aside and left them on their own.

       "Moose, the progress was amazing, but instead of sitting on my hands I decided to build a special tribute to someone. Employing groups of especially bright workers, I found an area nearby that consisted of solid rock. We then sculptured a gigantic creature, with the body of a lion and the head of … guess who?"

       "Patti, for sure," I yelled.

       "You bet your life! But, I'll tell you, carving that ravishing face was a tough job. It took us several months to finish. Before we started I told Tootie not to take Patti near it. I wanted to surprise her, don't you know. When it was finished, I asked Patti to attend the crocodile races with me. She was sweet on me by then, Moose, because of my good looks and because I made her that Patti Wagon. Grabbing my hand and squeezing it, she dazzled me with that chocolate-white smile and said, 'Ernie dear, I thought you'd never ask.'

       “Assured that her dad would give me the keys to the Patti Wagon, I told her, 'Wonderful! I'll pick you up about eight, beautiful.' Ah, Moose, Moose! In a few years you'll know the fascination of finding yourself—at the beginning of a new evening, as it's set out against the sky like a buffet upon a table—sitting next to a gorgeous, young woman whose only thought, whose main purpose in life is making you happy."

       "Give it up, Unk! I hate that stuff. What happened with the big lion you sculptured?"

       "Keep your shirt on, Moose the Goose. Remember, this was my first big date with Patti. When I picked her up she almost ran to the Patti Wagon. She jumped up beside me and we were off to the races. Boy, was she pretty, sitting there chattering about her day and the evening we were to have. I'm left with a vision that's engraved in my memory forever. I looked over at that coal-black, flowing hair and voluptuous, dark face—made the more enchanting by the contrast of a sheer, pure-white blouse—and then I looked down at a yellow skirt that was tightly pulled against her thighs and hips. I pretty near wrecked the carriage, Moose. Since then, when I least expect it, that yellow image pops in my mind, and I feel … I don't know … joy, I guess."

       "Crap! You have to get out more, Unk. That's more 100% junk."

       "I guess you're right, Moose. But, anyway, we had fun at the croc races, where she won five gold coins by betting on a croc named 'Woman of War.' "

       Then, Nina, that simple Unk reached in his pocket and placed a large coin in my palm. On one side was minted the face of a woman, and on the other was the face of a man. The words engraved on it were so worn that I couldn't read it, but Unk said that the woman's side read, "Klayopatti, Princess of Kings," and that the other read, "Tony, Ruler of the World."

       "I was to hear more about that guy, Tony," Unk said, slipping the coin back into his pocket. "But, Moose, that special evening was ours, and did we ever make the most of it. I told her that I had a surprise for her—'just something simple, nothing special' I mumbled nonchalantly—and she drove me nuts trying to guess what it was, trying to get it out of me. So I took her over to see my present, that solid-rock lion, sitting on its haunches there in the desert. We approached it from the back, and when she saw the form she screamed: 'That's a lion, my favorite animal, Ernie!'

       " 'But it has a human head, Patti. I wonder who it could be?' Then I circled and drove right up to the front, and when she saw her own head up there she was ecstatic. She pulled me over and gave me a passionate kiss that made my head spin. I've never, in my whole life, ever seen a woman that happy … and that appreciative."  [To be continued Tuesday, 7/3/2012]