Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 5

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 5

Uncle Ernest wasn't gone very long, just long enough for me to climb up to the first tree limb, dangle there for a while before dropping to the ground. Then Uncle Ernest emerged from the house, rotated his glass in little circles, and gazed down our dusty lane. "Too quiet around here. I'm used to the city noise—people, cars, trolleys, horn blowing, and all that stuff. But … so be it, Moose."

       "What did you do about Ellen? Who stole her away, Unk? Remember, you told me you'd finish the story." 

"Oh, that's right. Well, naturally, Mendy and I were furious. We found out that an obnoxious guy named Harris did the deed. He heard of Ellie's beauty and decided to kidnap her. Harris was one of the main warlords from Kroy—sometimes called Ilion—a land northwest of where we were. He and several of his henchmen had broken into Ellie's house shortly after I dropped her off. They tied up her parents and dragged her kicking and screaming from the house. They took her back to Kroy, across the Agustin Sea, quite a long distance, Moose. Because Ellie was the world's most beautiful woman, the evil Harris wanted her for his bride. Ellie, of course, was in love with me, so she refused to even talk to Harris. Well, Mendy and I called a meeting of all the leaders from each province in that vast country.

"Everyone was angry because of what Harris of Kroy had done. The country's honor was a serious matter, Moose. So we declared war on Kroy, and after a few months of preparation we had over a thousand sailing ships, all loaded with armed warriors. Mendy went with me in my submarine. We arrived first and anchored outside the walls of that great city. When all the other ships arrived the siege began. They had seen us coming and locked the massive gates. We sent hundreds of men to try to get into the city, but they couldn't scan the walls nor batter them down.

"After a long time and many attempts to get through, I called a meeting with all the leaders. I told them that since force wasn't working we had to use trickery. This is what I told them to do: 'Have the carpenters build a big, hollow, wooden horse. Stuff the horse with as many of our armed soldiers as possible and leave it on the shore as a gift for the Krojans, sort of as a departing prize for having repelled us. Then have all our ships sail out of sight, as if we had given up the battle and sailed for home. When the Krojans take the horse within their walls, our soldiers can come out in the middle of the night, kill all the guards, and open the city gates for the rest of our warriors who have returned at a set time. Then we can sack the city, take all their valuables, and rescue Ellie.'

"I'll tell you, Moose, everybody liked the plan and that's just what we did. It worked perfectly. I was able to storm Harris' palace, kill him after a tough fight, and carry a jubilant Ellie out of there. After our total victory, Ellie, Mendy, and I began our journey back to Sparka. I let Mendy drive the sub—keeping it on the surface while Ellie and I made up for lost time. Mendy was having a ball piloting that vessel he had never even heard of before. Calling the compass a 'remarkable instrument,' Mendy kept the sub on a southeasterly course, towards home. As Ellie and I lay sunbathing on the bow—she in her bikini and I in my boxers—I discovered something strange about her. We lovingly applied sun block to each other's bodies, and as I gently rubbed it onto her stomach, I was baffled when I noticed that she didn't have a belly button.

“When I asked her about it—astonished at the sight of that perfect, smooth-white stomach—this is what she told me: 'Oh Ernie, Ernie my love, I thought you knew! My father is God and my mother is a lovely swan. Juice and Lidie—ah, they have a perfect marriage still. Ernie dear, I was hatched into this world only twenty years ago.' Great balls of fire, Moose! That shook me up—even me who's used to anything. Inwardly I thought, 'Good grief, what might our children be? Instead of getting a haircut, maybe they'd molt.' But outwardly I told her, 'Hey, sweetheart, you're still the world's most beautiful woman, belly button or no.' "

"Say, Unk, look at it this way: if things got tough you could always use the eggs," I said, slapping him on the arm."

"Hmm, that would be handy at that," he said, putting his arm around me for a quick hug. "Now, Moose, I'll bet you think everything went smoothly from then on. How long do you think it took us to get home?"

"Oh, maybe a month."

"Ten years! Ten years it took us because of all the trouble we ran into. You won't believe this, and when I get back I'll tell you about it." [To be continued Tuesday, 6/12/2012]