Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Patti, Chapter 5

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Patti, Chapter 5

       "With that crisis over,” Uncle Ernest continued, “we could then make plans to free those poor Isrollerites. Before that, though, I had to help Patti's people with a major problem. You see, they had a custom of entombing their important people in the basements of stone structures. Well, I walked by one of them and the smell was unbearable. So I had a meeting with all the country's morticians. I explained and demonstrated the science of taxidermy.

       "Then I showed them how to wrap the bodies in layers of cloth to pickle them. I knew that if they did that the bodies would last a while and make the evening air a lot more pleasant. Tootie and Patti were especially happy because they told me that someday they themselves would be preserved that way and placed in the giant, pointed towers that I had built for them.

       "At last Patti and I were able to tackle the slave problem. We knew that Tootie was dead-set about freeing them because he liked the free labor they provided. But I had Patti on my side, and in the period of time when I stayed with the Isrollerites I got to know Mo very well. He said that he was the only slave that could swim because when he was a baby his mother stuck him in a basket and pushed it into the river. He said he used to dive from the basket and play among the lily pads.

       “Another remarkable thing about him, Moose, was that he was the only guy I had ever known who could get wine from a rock. That's right; he had only to tap his staff on any rock in the desert and it would spout out a fine, red vintage. Mo was proud of it, too, bragging that 3560 BC was a very good year.

       "Anyhow, we did some serious drinking together, sometimes partying until dawn. He had terrible hangovers, however, which interfered with his study of law. Yes indeed, Moose, I forgot to tell you that. On the sly, he was being tutored in law by a mountain guru, some brain with a long, gray beard and a booming voice. Geez, Moose, but I did feel sorry for Mo one afternoon. He was descending the mountain with an armload of stone law tablets that took him months to compile and engrave. Well, distracted by the hangover, he tripped on a root and broke those tablets into bits. He just sat on a rock for about four hours with his head in his hands. Another thing I remember is that Mrs. Mo didn't like me at all … complained that I was corrupting her husband.

       "Now, Moose, don't think that we goofed off with each other all the time, because one evening—before the hooch made us silly—we developed a plan for freeing his fellow Isrollerites. And one day, about a month after Patti cajoled Tony into departing, we carried out the plan. On a prescribed day, at dawn, all the slaves assembled at the Scarlet Sea, which was really an unguarded swampy area. We equipped each Isrollerite with hip boots, thinking that they could waddle through the swamp to freedom.

       "Well, Moose, bad luck plagued us because just as everybody showed up the crocodile god conjured up a hurricane. It struck hard, flooding the marsh and swelling the Scarlet Sea to a depth way over the slaves' heads. So there they were—millions of Isrollerites in their beanie caps, loin cloths, and hip boots—standing on the shore and singing 'We Shall Overcome.' "

       "God, Unk, that's awful sad!"

       "It sure was, Moose, and if it hadn't been for the cauldron of hot chicken soap that the mothers had prepared, they probably would have all caught pneumonia. And by that time, of course, Tootie's soldiers had gotten the word and were bearing down on them with their weapons drawn. But, guess what? I was prepared for something like this, for I had brought along several sticks of dynamite that were left over from the quarry blasting. I lit the fuses and heaved that dynamite to the middle of the river. Moose, you've never heard such a blast, but it left a huge, dry gap, allowing the Isrollerites to escape to the desert, and eventually they made it to their land of Bourbon and Honey. Tootie's troops couldn't pursue them because by the time they got there the river had surged back in deeper than before.

       "I mean to tell you, Moose, Tootie was furious with me. But with Patti's pleading and the recognition of how much I had done for his country, he relented. We even did some drinking together at a bar along the river. We were pals again, Moose, so I told him how to build a great dam across that river. Man, he was grateful, saying that it would be the next project, and that he'd name it the 'Great Ernie Dam.' And not only that, but he gave me Patti's hand in marriage, promising us a rancher overlooking the river, with water access, a wharf, and our own speedboat. Patti was ecstatic, and that night we celebrated and planned our wedding.

       "But, Moose, it was not to be. Shortly thereafter the country, Tootie, and I were devastated by the tragedy."

       "I knew it, Unk! Your natural bad luck again, right?"

       "Uh huh. Count on it, Moose. Here's the sad news. I was awakened one morning by cries of lamentations coming from the citizens. I knew something terrible had occurred, and when Tootie drove up in the Patti Wagon and approached me with tears in his eyes, I knew it was something personal. He told me that Patti was dead, bitten by her pet cobra, Aspi, who turned on her during the feeding. Well, we were all immensely saddened, but we stuffed her, wrapped her, and laid her in her massive tomb. After that I was really depressed, so after an extended farewell party I steamed off in the sub in search of Ellie and Mendy, my old girlfriend and buddy, whom I had left in a lethargic state in the Land of the Lobis Eaters.”  [To be continued Tuesday, 7/13/2012]