Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Patti, Chapter 2

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Patti, Chapter 2

       “And then,” Uncle Ernest continued, giggling the ice cubes in his glass, "after a slave led the horses away, I got a chance to talk to King Tootie: 'What's all this hullabaloo taking place across the way? My name's Ernie, by the way, and I'm at your service.' 'Well, Ernie,' Tootie explained, 'about a year ago I decided to build two unique structures. The plan calls for them to be immense, four-sided, pointed towers. They're to be the world's largest tombs—tributes to my daughter and me. They're going to be massive squares at the base, whose slanted sides rise extremely high to a small peak. But I'll level with you, Ernie; It's not going very well. As you can see, the foundations are not even formed yet. Everything's been going wrong.'

       " 'Yeah,' I told him, 'when I look at your blundering methods I can see why. Look, Tootie, I'll tell you what. Put me in charge and I'll finish the whole job in a year.' Well, don't you know, Moose, that's just what he did. And here's what I did first. I got the best craftsmen together and explained the concept of the wheel. My, those buggers were excited. Calling the new invention 'Ernie's Circle,'  they constructed carts and wagons for the project. I also got them to make a large chariot for King Tootie and Princess Klayopatti, and I christened it the 'Patti Wagon,' just for the fun of it.

       "The next thing I did was to go to the mountains and mine the ingredients for making dynamite and gun powder. I knew the process, by the way, from conversations I had with my close Wilmington friends, the duPonts. The workers were then able to blast out the rocks to build the pointed towers. 'Ernie's Thunder' they called the dynamite, Moose; do you believe that?

       “Next I showed the workers how to make and use a block and tackle and a chain hoist. They used them with special cranes to move and elevate the building blocks. And the last thing I did was to assemble an efficient team of leaders to coordinate everything. After illustrating assembly line techniques—learned from an old drinking buddy from Michigan—I stepped aside and left them on their own.

       "Moose, the progress was amazing, but instead of sitting on my hands I decided to build a special tribute to someone. Employing groups of especially bright workers, I found an area nearby that consisted of solid rock. We then sculptured a gigantic creature, with the body of a lion and the head of … guess who?"

       "Patti, for sure," I yelled.

       "You bet your life! But, I'll tell you, carving that ravishing face was a tough job. It took us several months to finish. Before we started I told Tootie not to take Patti near it. I wanted to surprise her, don't you know. When it was finished, I asked Patti to attend the crocodile races with me. She was sweet on me by then, Moose, because of my good looks and because I made her that Patti Wagon. Grabbing my hand and squeezing it, she dazzled me with that chocolate-white smile and said, 'Ernie dear, I thought you'd never ask.'

       “Assured that her dad would give me the keys to the Patti Wagon, I told her, 'Wonderful! I'll pick you up about eight, beautiful.' Ah, Moose, Moose! In a few years you'll know the fascination of finding yourself—at the beginning of a new evening, as it's set out against the sky like a buffet upon a table—sitting next to a gorgeous, young woman whose only thought, whose main purpose in life is making you happy."

       "Give it up, Unk! I hate that stuff. What happened with the big lion you sculptured?"

       "Keep your shirt on, Moose the Goose. Remember, this was my first big date with Patti. When I picked her up she almost ran to the Patti Wagon. She jumped up beside me and we were off to the races. Boy, was she pretty, sitting there chattering about her day and the evening we were to have. I'm left with a vision that's engraved in my memory forever. I looked over at that coal-black, flowing hair and voluptuous, dark face—made the more enchanting by the contrast of a sheer, pure-white blouse—and then I looked down at a yellow skirt that was tightly pulled against her thighs and hips. I pretty near wrecked the carriage, Moose. Since then, when I least expect it, that yellow image pops in my mind, and I feel … I don't know … joy, I guess."

       "Crap! You have to get out more, Unk. That's more 100% junk."

       "I guess you're right, Moose. But, anyway, we had fun at the croc races, where she won five gold coins by betting on a croc named 'Woman of War.' "

       Then, Nina, that simple Unk reached in his pocket and placed a large coin in my palm. On one side was minted the face of a woman, and on the other was the face of a man. The words engraved on it were so worn that I couldn't read it, but Unk said that the woman's side read, "Klayopatti, Princess of Kings," and that the other read, "Tony, Ruler of the World."

       "I was to hear more about that guy, Tony," Unk said, slipping the coin back into his pocket. "But, Moose, that special evening was ours, and did we ever make the most of it. I told her that I had a surprise for her—'just something simple, nothing special' I mumbled nonchalantly—and she drove me nuts trying to guess what it was, trying to get it out of me. So I took her over to see my present, that solid-rock lion, sitting on its haunches there in the desert. We approached it from the back, and when she saw the form she screamed: 'That's a lion, my favorite animal, Ernie!'

       " 'But it has a human head, Patti. I wonder who it could be?' Then I circled and drove right up to the front, and when she saw her own head up there she was ecstatic. She pulled me over and gave me a passionate kiss that made my head spin. I've never, in my whole life, ever seen a woman that happy … and that appreciative."  [To be continued Tuesday, 7/3/2012]

Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Patti, Chapter 1

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Patti, Chapter 1

       When Uncle Ernest pulled open our old screen door once again, I saw a nice, yellow butterfly perched on the lilac bush. So, Nina, I ran over to catch it, but I ended up chasing it down the hill, across the lane, and into the field next to the chicken house. I yelled in frustration and walked slowly back, where Uncle Ernest was already sprawled out on the chair, enjoying his freshened drink. When I sat down he reached over, attempted to tickle me, and then leaned back and continued his story.

       "Moose, I had never been on a river like that before. I steered up close to one bank, and noticed that a great variety of vegetation. Every now and then I saw a crocodile slide into the water, which made me glad I was in a safe vessel. Soon I came upon a large community, with all kinds of activity going on. I anchored the sub and went in to see what all the fuss was about. In an extensive area not far from the river, they were preparing to build massive structures out of rocks. Thousands of men were working their butts off, hauling and placing enormous rocks, which they had mined from a distant quarry, miles away.

         "Right away I could tell that 99% of the workers were slaves who were being forced to work by screaming bosses with whips. The bosses were fully clothed and wore leather helmets and work boots. But the slaves were naked except for dirty loincloths. Moose, it was an awful sight—those blackened bodies, gleaming with sweat in the blazing sun. Along with the human beasts of burden, there were hundreds of animals transporting those building blocks. I saw elephants, camels, and donkeys, some of which were harnessed to sleds loaded with the blocks.

       "Well, I felt sorry for that inept gang—involved in such an inefficient operation, so I asked one of the slave-drivers who the big boss was. He pointed to a vast tent under a grove of palm trees. So I walked over and was relieved to find an area that was nice and cool.

       “Just as I arrived I saw a cloud of dust coming my way, and when it got closer I saw that it was a high, elaborately-decorated sled, drawn by two jet-black horses. When they snorted to a stop right beside me—and when the dust cleared—I looked up at the man holding the reins. He was regal-looking for sure, Moose, attired in golden robes and a comical hat with earflaps. He had a black beard and dark eyes that darted in all directions, as if he expected trouble at any minute.

       " 'Are you the boss?' I asked."

       " 'Boss?' he shouted. 'My name is Tootanhannas, king of kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair … And this is my royal daughter, Princess Klayopatti.' At this point, Moose, I saw a young woman unwrap herself from a blanket that had shielded her from the heat and dust. When I saw her face and figure as she stood smiling down at me, I almost collapsed from the thunder in my chest."

       "Oh, no! Not another dumb woman; forget it, Unk."

       "But, instead, I stood erect and addressed her in a clear, serious voice:

              Be still my heart; survive this sense of awe,

              To see a face that makes the sun look dull.

       "Will you cut it out! Don't you ever come across any ugly women?"

       "None that I remember, Moose. But this one—this Patti—was an outstanding beauty, blessed with pure, milk chocolate skin. She had luxuriant black hair and dark, alluring eyes, and her curvaceous form, standing above me, was accentuated by a skin-tight dress woven of pure, golden fabric. Her fully-formed, chocolate legs emerged from the gold and terminated in a pair of black, velvet slippers, matching perfectly her glossy, ebony hair.

       “She reacted to my compliment with a frowning glance, so I didn't know if she liked me or not. But just before she entered the tent, she turned and produced a sort of crooked smile that told me that I hadn't screwed up completely.”  [To be continued Friday, 6/29/2012]

Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 9

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 9

       "OK, Unk, what happened next, after that mushy stuff?"

       "Now, Moose, take it easy. I must say, though, that things went sour for us in a hurry. One early morning we approached an island surrounded by rocks. When we got closer we were shocked to see three ravishing young women lounging on the rocks. And, Moose, they didn't have a stitch on. And they were singing the most tantalizing songs. You know, an old man had warned me about these deadly maidens on the rocks. They were called the Syreens, and any sailors who heard their singing would be inevitably drawn to them, thereby smashing their ships against the jagged rocks. I love music, Moose, and I was determined to hear their songs. So this is what I did.

       "I went below and put plugs into Mendy's ears so he couldn't hear their songs. Then I got Ellie to tie me to a beam on the sub's deck. Because she was a girl she would be unaffected by the Syreens' singing. I told her that if I asked to be untied she should wind more ropes around me. She understood, so then I yelled to Mendy to steer right up close to the Syreens. Well, He did just that, taking us within twenty feet of them.

       "Moose, so help me, when I heard their songs I started tearing and biting at the ropes so I could get to those girls. 'Ernie, honey! Why them? You have me!' Ellie cried, throwing her arms around me. But I hated her at that moment, so I shoved her away and tore at the ropes furiously. Ellie screamed at Mendy to speed up but, of course, he couldn't hear her. Then she wound the spare ropes around and around me, securing me fast. Eventually we sailed out of range and she cut me loose. Moose, I fell to the deck in a heap. I was so exhausted. But I was happy. I was the only man in the world to have heard the Syreens' songs and lived to tell about it.

       "Ellie was mad at me for the way I treated her. I couldn't explain my feelings, but after a while she relented, and we had great fun making up. We continued on our way for many days until we came upon a large island. When we got closer we saw multi-colored flowers growing everywhere. They smelled wonderful, so we anchored and went ashore so Ellie could pick some. We found out that the place was called the Land of the Lobis Eaters. It was inhabited by the most gentle, peaceful people I had ever known. They were incredibly laid back, Moose, so much so that all they did was lie around in the pastures and on the seashore all day and all night long. Geez, they were even worse than the people who live here in Chesapeake City.

       "Now, when Ellie started collecting the magnificent flowers, she discovered that the plants also produced delicious fruit, so she ate some and gave a bunch of it to Mendy and me. Mendy started pigging out on it straightaway, but I laid mine aside in favor of a fifth of Old Granddad that I had brought along. As I drank I strolled around the area, checking things out. Moose, I was disgusted to discover that we were among a community of bums. All they did was lounge around all over the place. And when I returned I was amazed to find Ellie and Mendy stretched out on the grass in a daze. Their speech was slurred, like drunks, and all they wanted to do was gaze at the sky and eat that lobis fruit. I was mad, Moose, because I wanted to get going, but what could I do? I didn't want to carry them back to the sub.

       "So, hoping that with time the drug would wear off, I took the sub out to deeper water to do some fishing. I headed north towards a point that looked promising, where birds were circling all around. But when I reached the area a swift current sucked me into a raging whirlpool. It took me under and spun me around so fast that I lost consciousness. When I awoke the sub had surfaced, and I found myself traveling up a wide, exquisite river. Then I realized what was going on: this was Didie's doings. Remember her, Moose?"

       "Sure. She put you in the sub and said you'd have exciting adventures."

       "You got it! And when I get back you'll find out where that river led."  [To be continued Tuesday, 6/26/2012]

Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 8

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 8

So it was, Nina, in those lost days of growing up, those days when life seemed a series of random events, events which are now blurred images, modified and maybe even transformed by time's passage. So be it. But, as I think back about that day with Uncle Ernest, I remember that I had been out in our lane with a handful of stones, ready to throw, when I saw him return to the chair. So I ran back to hear how he got out of trouble with that giant.

"What in the world did you do, Unk? How did you ever escape from that cave?"

"Well, Moose, it only took a couple of seconds before I decided what to do. I took one of the spears and stabbed it through Feemus' eye, causing gushes of blood to squirt ten feet high. You should have heard that brute scream. I released the caged men and we all hid up near the entrance. Then, when Feemus rolled away the rock so he could soak his eye in the sea, we scampered out of there. The monster rolled it back again, not knowing that we had escaped. One fat guy from Arkansas, named Willie, was not fast enough and didn't get out in time. I found out later that he was a notoriously corrupt politician, so the world didn't lose anything.

"We got back to that sub in a hurry, and Mendy steered right under the cave. Feemus was up there moaning and had his hands over his blinded eye. As loud as I could I yelled up to him: 'Hey, you big dummy!'

" 'Let it go; let it go, Ernie,' Ellie pleaded. 'Don't overdo it.'

"But I persisted: 'Yo, ugly brute, if anybody wants to know who tricked you and left you blind, tell them that it was Ernest the Brave—mightiest of men—from Chesapeake City, Maryland.' Well, Moose, that was really stupid of me, because that monster threw huge rocks towards my voice. Two of them just missed the sub by inches, and the swells pretty near knocked us overboard. But soon we were out of range, gliding once more across the magnificent Agustin Sea.

"Everything went well, Moose, for quite a while. Mendy was happy with his new toy, and Ellie and I had each other to love. An enormous red moon rose out of the water each night, the most romantic sight in the world. That and my bravery impressed Ellie so much that she would just melt in my arms every night. She was unbelievably soft and compliant. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, serenely gliding upon that silent sea. I sang softly to her sometimes, Moose."

Then, Nina, that goofy uncle sang the same song to me, as we sat there in the shade that afternoon so many years ago. This is what he sang:

             Let me call you sweetheart.

             I'm in love with you.

             Let me hear you whisper

             That you love me too.

       Uncle Ernest closed his eyes and paused, lost in the memory. Then, leaning back with his hands behind his head, he continued his story. "And every evening she made me sing it again, Moose, as she hummed along with me. Then, one moon-enchanted night, I moved her away at arm's length so I could explore fully her lovely face and shoulders, resplendent in the backdrop of sea, sky, and moon. I cleared my throat and spoke these lines:

     You have the face that launched a thousand ships

     And burnt the topless towers of Ilion

     Sweet Ellen, make me immortal with a kiss.

       "With moisture glistening her eyes, she pulled me close, and sealed with sweet lips my happy fate."

       "Hold on a minute. That's 100% junk! Wait a minute, Unk. I know immortal means to live forever. How could her slobbering do that for you?" I thought I had him, Nina, because he just sat there staring at our grape arbor for a whole minute. Then he spoke softly to me.

       "Do you like my stories, Moose?"

       "There're all right, except for that lovey stuff."

       "Will you remember them?"

       "Sure. I think about them at night when I can't sleep."

       "I know this is hard for you to imagine—incredibly foreign to you at seven—but someday, many years in the future, you will have children and grandchildren. I will be long gone, relaxing in the Happy Isles, but you'll remember my stories, including Ellie's magic kiss, and you'll tell them to your children and grandchildren. You or one of them will write a book about the stories. Ellie's kiss will help you remember—be the spark that makes you or one of them finally do it. And I, old Ernie Lunt, your only uncle, will live forever." Nina, he sounded so serious that I didn't have the heart to disagree, even though it was such a ridiculous idea. But then he laughed and asked, "Moose, do you use sweet words on your girlfriend?"

       "I don't have a girlfriend."

       "But if you did how would you get her to like you a lot?"

       "Well, Betty's the prettiest girl in my class. And I guess I'd ask her to go fishing with me at the Burnt House. I'd tell her that she could put the worm on the hook and then clean all the fish we caught. And, oh, I'd whisper something in her ear; I'd say:

     Your face would sink a thousand ships

     And chase the frightened sailors overboard.

     Sweet Betty, turn my stomach with a kiss

.

       Well, Nina, he just sat there frowning while I rolled on the ground laughing. Then he started laughing despite himself as I sat there in the dirt looking up at him. [To be continued Friday, 6/22/2012]

Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 7

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 7

But now, Nina, I'd like to tell you about some crazy things that happened to me when I was about your age. But I guess I was a little older than you are, now that I think about it—maybe thirteen or fourteen. Back when the ferry was in town to take people back and forth across the canal, Walter Coleman operated a pool hall, which was located right along the canal next to where the old Lift Bridge used to be. The building is now called The Shipwatch Inn. Well, right across the street was the Rio Theater, where I saw my first movie.

Next to the theater was a small, square shack where Jumping Jim, the barber, gave me my first haircut. I can still feel the buzzing and snipping, and when it ended he would always shake a gallon of smelly hair lotion onto the top of my head, massage it vigorously into my scalp with a force that rocked my whole body back and forth. Then he'd comb my wet hair with deft strokes, leaving a nice part that lasted until I ran out of there.

But that pool hall was something, Nina. Walt Coleman had two or three pool tables in there, and a rack on the wall for the pool cues. My buddy and I would each choose one—making sure it was not bowed by rolling it across the table's surface. Then we would rack the balls and sometimes argue over who would break. Breaking was such fun because you could smash that cue ball as hard as you could by thrusting all your weight into it.

Sometimes, when I broke, the ball would go flying off the table and bounce around the floor until you tracked it down as it bounced haphazardly with diminishing height about the floor. We would play several games of eight ball, and when Walt came up to us we would dig into our pockets for enough nickels to pay him.

       Walt was a tall, thin man but sort of bent over. He had a good-sized nose and always wore a khaki shirt with khaki trousers. He was always calm and friendly and spoke in a soft, friendly voice. Many years later I found out that he had been a doughboy in World War I. Walt's wife, Alma, was in charge of the lunchroom, which had been converted from a porch and faced George Street, the main run through town. Alma was all business, and when you looked at her and she looked at you, you knew not to mess with her; there was no humor there, for sure.

       One Saturday at about noon, before the cowboy movie started at the Rio, and after I had finished a few games of eight ball, I slid up onto a stool at the counter and waited for my turn to order. Well, Alma was busy at the grill, but there, messing with the napkins and pouring some drinks, was a gal with big, fuzzy, light brown hair and a busy look on her face. She glanced at me and came over to take my order, and I got a good look at that hair sort of fluffed up and framing her face. Then she went over and cooked my hamburger. And when I bit into it, it was so good that I thought to myself, "Man … that girl can really cook!"

       Now, Nina, it must have been a few months later that another strange thing happened. Classes had just ended in school, and I was strolling through the halls, thinking about what kind of trouble I could get into before I walked on home to hunt some squirrels until dark. Anyway, as I walked past the door to the gym, I heard a weird rumbling noise—pretty loud—coming from in there. "Geez," I thought, "what in the world could that be?" The door was closed so I yanked it open and stuck my head in. Students and a teacher or two were lined up blocking my view, so I had to wiggle through to see what the racket was.

       And then my eyes must have bulged out, because I saw the strangest sight you could imagine. There, whirling and spinning around the entire gym floor, was the hamburger girl who had served me at the pool hall lunch counter. She had the entire floor to herself and, believe it or not, was on roller skates, which were attached to some kind of high-topped shoes. Not only that, but she was dressed—or maybe I should say "undressed"—in a getup that made my unblinking eyes widen and my mouth drop open.

       The same fluffy hair was there, now fluttering in the breeze, but she was wearing a fancy, frilled blouse, which was somehow connected to a mini skirt that stuck out all around the sides. I guess somebody had sown the two together somehow. It was an unforgettable sight for sure.

Believe me, Nina, you need to squint and grit your teeth to imagine what I was experiencing. The gal—on calf-high roller skates, in this costume, with arms held way out to her sides, bare, white legs aflashing, and frizzled hair aflowing—was skating in circles all around our basketball floor.

She was going fast, too, as if wanting to get it over with. She was even rolling backwards at times, spinning around to some kind of organ music in the background. She zipped just as fast backward as she did forward, Nina, and never had to stop and start over either—just kept moving at a frenzied pace the whole while. I'll tell you, she made the whole floor shake to the beat of the music.

       Well, I was impressed for sure—just stood there gawking at the sight, torn between wanting to see her fall and not wanting to. But she didn't even lose her balance, just kept it up until the music stopped, and then zipped out of view into the coach's office. Everybody clapped except me. I was sort of dumbstruck thinking about what just happened. "Wow!" I remember thinking; "Anybody who would do what she just did—in front of all these people, including a pack of snickering boys—was really something." And I said to myself, "A gal who had that much nerve besides being able to cook delicious hamburgers … well, man, she's the girl for me."

       So, Nina, I'll bet that by now you've figured out who that girl turned out to be. That's right; she's your granny. When we grew up she was even bold enough to marry me. And I've been enjoying the world's best hamburgers for the last 58 years.  [To be continued Tuesday, 6/19/2012]

Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 6

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 6

      

And so, Nina, while that crazy uncle freshened his drink, I lay back in a daze, sort of day-dreaming about girls without belly buttons and big wooden horses. Then I felt something poking me in the ribs, tickling me awake. "You're not very good company, sleepyhead,” he said, settling in the chair and crossing his legs. I rubbed my eyes, whacked a cattle fly that had landed on my neck, and waited for him to continue his story. "Yep, I thought I had it made—a chauffeur to pilot me home and a gorgeous girl to cuddle with. But peace of mind ended when we met up with the monster.

“It happened this way, Moose. We were cruising along the coast, enjoying the sight of colossal cliffs along the shore, when we came upon an enormous cave, high up the cliff but with a well-worn path leading up to it. Alongside the cave were rows of raspberry bushes, with black raspberries so large that even from the boat they appeared to be the size of golf balls. Ellie and I looked at each other, and she said, 'Let's pick some Ern; they're my favorite fruit.’ So I yelled down to Mendy to cut the engines, and in no time we found ourselves feasting on those berries. After eating our fill we decided to explore the cave. It was somebody's home, Moose, because there were discarded bones lying around and an area where someone had built a fire.

“We walked farther back into the cave and found over-sized spears and other weapons. Just as I said, 'Let's get out of here!' we heard an insane roar, and when we turned around, there, guarding the entrance was the biggest, ugliest giant you could ever imagine. I've never seen anything that ugly, Moose, not even in Cecil County! He was about twenty feet tall, had sharp teeth the size of a great white shark's, and one immense eye in the middle of his forehead. 'Haaaarrrrr!' he bellowed. 'You're just in time for dinner.’ As he came after us we ran back into the cave and hid in the shadows. He went nuts trying to find us but we were safe for a while. Then he went back to the entrance and rolled a great boulder in front of it. Moose, we were trapped! He then came stomping in our direction—still searching for us—and went deeper into the cave.

“We followed along the edge and came upon a terrible sight. The monster had a big cage back there, and in it were about a dozen men. Well, Feemus—we knew his name because every so often he'd yell idiotically, 'I'm Feemus, mightiest of all creatures'—approached the cage, opened the hatch, and snatched out a man in each hand. Oh, it was a dreadful thing to see, Moose: those guys waving their hands and squirming to get free. Feemus then bit the head off one of the men, but with a loud cry spit it out and heaved the carcass down in the dirt. I found out later that the man was a Baltimore politician, too contaminated to eat. Anyhow, the giant grabbed another man from the cage and ate them both alive.

"Then, laughing insanely, he spread out and went to sleep, snoring so loudly that we thought our eardrums would burst. Mendy pulled his sword and would have slit his throat if I hadn't stopped him."

"That's right, Unk; you'd never get out of there because of that boulder blocking the entrance."

"You got it, Moose, and after I fill this sorry-looking, empty glass I'll tell you what I decided to do." And with that Uncle Ernest made his trek to the house, leaving me in suspense once again. So, as I recall, I zipped out to our lane and started heaving stones at the telephone pole. [To be continued Tuesday, 6/15/2012]

Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 5

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 5

Uncle Ernest wasn't gone very long, just long enough for me to climb up to the first tree limb, dangle there for a while before dropping to the ground. Then Uncle Ernest emerged from the house, rotated his glass in little circles, and gazed down our dusty lane. "Too quiet around here. I'm used to the city noise—people, cars, trolleys, horn blowing, and all that stuff. But … so be it, Moose."

       "What did you do about Ellen? Who stole her away, Unk? Remember, you told me you'd finish the story." 

"Oh, that's right. Well, naturally, Mendy and I were furious. We found out that an obnoxious guy named Harris did the deed. He heard of Ellie's beauty and decided to kidnap her. Harris was one of the main warlords from Kroy—sometimes called Ilion—a land northwest of where we were. He and several of his henchmen had broken into Ellie's house shortly after I dropped her off. They tied up her parents and dragged her kicking and screaming from the house. They took her back to Kroy, across the Agustin Sea, quite a long distance, Moose. Because Ellie was the world's most beautiful woman, the evil Harris wanted her for his bride. Ellie, of course, was in love with me, so she refused to even talk to Harris. Well, Mendy and I called a meeting of all the leaders from each province in that vast country.

"Everyone was angry because of what Harris of Kroy had done. The country's honor was a serious matter, Moose. So we declared war on Kroy, and after a few months of preparation we had over a thousand sailing ships, all loaded with armed warriors. Mendy went with me in my submarine. We arrived first and anchored outside the walls of that great city. When all the other ships arrived the siege began. They had seen us coming and locked the massive gates. We sent hundreds of men to try to get into the city, but they couldn't scan the walls nor batter them down.

"After a long time and many attempts to get through, I called a meeting with all the leaders. I told them that since force wasn't working we had to use trickery. This is what I told them to do: 'Have the carpenters build a big, hollow, wooden horse. Stuff the horse with as many of our armed soldiers as possible and leave it on the shore as a gift for the Krojans, sort of as a departing prize for having repelled us. Then have all our ships sail out of sight, as if we had given up the battle and sailed for home. When the Krojans take the horse within their walls, our soldiers can come out in the middle of the night, kill all the guards, and open the city gates for the rest of our warriors who have returned at a set time. Then we can sack the city, take all their valuables, and rescue Ellie.'

"I'll tell you, Moose, everybody liked the plan and that's just what we did. It worked perfectly. I was able to storm Harris' palace, kill him after a tough fight, and carry a jubilant Ellie out of there. After our total victory, Ellie, Mendy, and I began our journey back to Sparka. I let Mendy drive the sub—keeping it on the surface while Ellie and I made up for lost time. Mendy was having a ball piloting that vessel he had never even heard of before. Calling the compass a 'remarkable instrument,' Mendy kept the sub on a southeasterly course, towards home. As Ellie and I lay sunbathing on the bow—she in her bikini and I in my boxers—I discovered something strange about her. We lovingly applied sun block to each other's bodies, and as I gently rubbed it onto her stomach, I was baffled when I noticed that she didn't have a belly button.

“When I asked her about it—astonished at the sight of that perfect, smooth-white stomach—this is what she told me: 'Oh Ernie, Ernie my love, I thought you knew! My father is God and my mother is a lovely swan. Juice and Lidie—ah, they have a perfect marriage still. Ernie dear, I was hatched into this world only twenty years ago.' Great balls of fire, Moose! That shook me up—even me who's used to anything. Inwardly I thought, 'Good grief, what might our children be? Instead of getting a haircut, maybe they'd molt.' But outwardly I told her, 'Hey, sweetheart, you're still the world's most beautiful woman, belly button or no.' "

"Say, Unk, look at it this way: if things got tough you could always use the eggs," I said, slapping him on the arm."

"Hmm, that would be handy at that," he said, putting his arm around me for a quick hug. "Now, Moose, I'll bet you think everything went smoothly from then on. How long do you think it took us to get home?"

"Oh, maybe a month."

"Ten years! Ten years it took us because of all the trouble we ran into. You won't believe this, and when I get back I'll tell you about it." [To be continued Tuesday, 6/12/2012]

Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 4

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie, Chapter 4

Later that week, as McNatt worked our South Field with his mules, that old screen door slammed, and a happy uncle sat down, elbowed me, took a nice long swig, and settled back with a sigh of comfort. "Tell me about the big, final race that you entered, Unk. What happened? Did you win?"

"Take it easy, Moose; you'd better believe I did, but it wasn't easy. But I had Ellen's pink scarf for luck; I was inspired, for sure. I got off to a slow start, though, because I was used to a gun going off, not somebody yelling 'Go!' I caught up to the pack in no time, though, Moose, pumping my bare feet down that track to beat the band. I won by about half a foot, thrusting my chest to break the tape. Then everybody went nuts. I was the country's champion, and before I knew it about two dozen gorgeous gals—vestry virgins they called them—started hugging me and tossing flowers on me.

       "Then the country's king, a guy named Aggie, wrapped some kind of weed around my head. He called it laurel, and said I could wear it for a year if I wanted to. He gave a big speech, saying that I didn't have to pay any taxes for a year. He said that the sporting event—which he called the 'Limpic Games'—had become so popular that in the future many more events would be added, such as jumping, throwing, wrestling, and so forth.

       "So, Moose, the main thing I got out of it was hearing Ellen and Mendy cheer me on. Believe me, Ellen was prettier than any of those white-clad virgins. As beautiful as they were, she made them look like crows. She let me keep wearing her pink scarf and …" Then Uncle Ernest paused mid-speech and, reaching both hands behind his neck, untied and waved a faded, threadbare piece of cloth before my eyes. Geez, Nina, but it was a sorry-looking thing. "I wear it always, Moose, in memory of Ellie and for good luck. So, anyway, soon we were rolling down the road again in Mendy's chariot, headed for Ellen's house."

       "Hold on a minute, Unk! What was that you said about the Limpic Games? What does that mean?"

       "You got me there, Moose. But now that I think about it I guess they called it that because so many runners pulled up lame. I must have seen ten or more guys limp off the field that day. Anyway, Moose, I have to tell you what happened on the way back from the races. As you know, Mendy really had the hots for Ellen, but I could tell that she liked him only as a friend. At any rate, as we rode, I was in the back seat and Mendy and Ellen were in the front. Mendy had his free arm draped around Ellen, who seemed cool to the idea. Every now and then she would glance back at me, and I would return her glance with a smile and a wink. So staggered was I by her beauty that I felt a weakness saturate my body; I feel the weakness now, just thinking about it.

“Anyhow, I don't know what came over me, but I put my hand gently on her shoulder and slid it slowly down her upper arm. She didn't respond at all—sort of froze. Then I moved my hand farther down until it reached hers. I held it gently, palm in palm and then intertwined our fingers. No response, Moose, and I thought, 'Geez, I've gone too far.' But then, as a sort of final effort, I gave her hand a soft squeeze and stroked her fingers with mine—ever so gently. Still no reaction.

“So, with my index finger, I grazed with a touch so light as to be barely perceptible. Then … it happened. With a light squeeze she replied, and soon her fingers began stroking the back of my hand, from fingertips to knuckles. I knew then, Moose, how things would be. Her hand was warm and I continued to caress it softly. We must have traveled several miles this way, articulating our affections with that most delicate sense, oblivious to those unnecessary, crude perceptions of sight, sound, taste, and smell."

       "This is awful crap. I'm leaving, Unk!"

       "Hold on, Moose. I don't want to leave anything out. Bear with me a minute. After a while Ellen turned, faced me, and offered her other hand. Slowly, ever so gently I pulled her towards me, so that soon that whole elegant body came sliding over the back of the front seat into my arms. Poor Mendy didn't even slow down, or ever look back. He knew what had happened, and he must have been heartsick. If you've ever felt good and bad at the same time, Moose, you'll know how I felt. I felt awful for my friend, Mendy, yet my love for Ellen was overwhelming. I wanted her so badly that evening, and I have to say, Moose, my success in accomplishing that made me feel great.

“Getting her as my girlfriend that evening made me feel as if I could do anything, anything in the world. Be that as it may, the smooching we did in the back of that bouncing chariot was pretty lame. I tapped Mendy on the back and asked him to drop himself off at his house so I could take Ellen home. He did it, but I could tell he was boiling inside. He hardly said anything when I said I was sorry. I felt awful, Moose.

       "But I had Ellen for the evening and, as we headed for a quiet place to park, an observer would see but one figure in the chariot. Ellen directed me to a spot where we could watch the sunset between two mountain peaks. As the red-rich sphere descended between the colossal, jagged columns, an aura of mystical beauty enveloped us. Moose, those were moments of supreme serenity, moments that make the joke of life endurable, moments that can be savored for a lifetime"

       "So what?" What happened next? That crap doesn't mean a thing."

       "Someday it will, Moose. Mark my words. So then, as we enjoyed that remarkable view, I brought Ellen across my body, so that she faced me fully—sideways across my lap that is. Tears in her eyes enhanced her beauty, and as we embraced—one being incarnate—this is what I whispered:

 Did my heart love till now? Forswear it sight,

 For I never saw true beauty till this night.

       "Then later, as the night progressed, I looked at the silver moon and then at her and said, 'Oh, Ellie, you do teach the torches to burn bright. Your eyes, my love, if they were in the darkened sky, would through the airy regions stream so bright, that birds would sing as though it were not night.' "

       "I'm leaving, Unk; I can't stand it."

       "OK, Moose, but you'll miss the fighting."

       "What fighting? Are you going to break up with Ellen?"

       "Oh, no, not that. Some awful things happened, things I never expected. After several hours of bliss, with almost unbearable reluctance and anguish, I dropped Ellie off at her house and returned to Mendy's to turn in and dream of her. Well, I was sleeping-in the next morning because of such a long night, when I felt Mendy shaking the dickens out of me. 'What's the matter?' I asked sleepily. 'Get up!' he yelled. 'There's big trouble; Ellen has been kidnapped.' Now, Moose, I'll tell you, I was stunned, and ready to kill whoever abducted her."

     "Geez, Unk, you mean somebody nabbed her the same night you dropped her off?"

     "You got it, Moose, and when I return you'll find out what we did about it." [To be continued Friday, 6/08/2012]

Times of Uncle Ernest - Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie Chapter 3

Times of Uncle Ernest -

Chesapeake City and Beyond – Ellie

Chapter 3

I was about to doze off when the silence was broken by a loud rumbling, clanking sound. It was old Dave McNatt charging up our lane in his dilapidated panel truck. By the time I had run out front to take a look he had stopped mid-way up. It was a funny sight, Nina, watching that jalopy shake and rattle as it idled. Black smoke erupted from it, making its way westward across our field in rising clouds. Then McNatt lowered himself from the truck, limped to the front, and lugged a large tree limb out of the lane. Pop had put it there to slow him down. Pop didn't know it but he had invented the first speed bump. Now they're everywhere, and if Pop had thought to patent the thing we'd all be on Easy Street now.

       You see, Nina, McNatt tilled our fields, and he and his sons would always charge up our lane at top speed, causing dust to settle on everything and endangering everybody and everything in their paths. Well, before McNatt lumbered back to his truck, he overrode the engine noise with a stream of the most impressive cussing my young ears had ever heard. It was assorted, innovative language, the main part of which improved my vocabulary considerably. Then he sped up the remainder of our lane and entered the South Field, gunning the engine and thereby blasting the countryside with a clatter that only a badly damaged muffler could provide.

       McNatt had a big farmhouse and tilled a large farm just up the road from us. He had a great variety of animals, including about 100 foxhounds and a score of children of all ages. For some reason, Nina, Pop and I went up there once at dinnertime. When we got out of the car the dogs surrounded us. They were friendly enough but howling their heads off. When we entered the house the tribe had just sat down to dinner. Around the gigantic table sat Dave, his wife, and all those kids—from two or three infants in diapers to several in their late teens. They and all sizes in between were reaching, grabbing, talking, and crying.

       "You an’ the young’un set down thar, Jack, and dig in," Dave called to Pop. So we sat for a while and took in the spectacle. Pop nibbled on an ear of corn while I sat there uninterested. A tin pitcher of raw milk was frequently passed around. The mother poured me some and after it settled one of those plumb houseflies—dead of course—rose to the top of my cup. Gagging softly, I watched the kid next to me pick it out and fling it to the floor, where one of the housedogs nosed it and—like me—passed it up. "Hit's all rat; ah snared the bugger," the kid said, with a freckled grin, tickled that I was repulsed by the whole thing.

But Pop and I got out of there pretty soon, Nina, and before we left we walked down to the huge barn and, accompanied again by bustling hounds, watched the cows and horses in their stalls. On the way back to the car, all varieties of fowl were in the yard. Chickens, ducks, geese, turkeys, and ginny hens are the ones I remember. As we drove back home, Pop didn't say much about the experience, but by his chuckling I could tell that he enjoyed seeing my reaction to it all. Anyway, Nina, that was some visit, one that has stuck with me all these years.

[To be continued Friday, 6/05/2012]